#174: Jonah Berger’s Magic Words
Good morning good people
In last week’s letter, we encountered Bulgarian Booker-Prize winner, Georgi Gospodinov’s formulation that “When people with whom you’ve shared a common past leave, they take half of it with them. Actually, they take the whole thing since there’s no such thing as a half a past.”
I spent my weekend exploring its opposite. It was a good friend’s birthday and eleven of us gathered at Mardouw Country House.
We were well looked after by sisters Amanda and Emmerentia.
The days were sun-drenched. Amanda’s fillet was drenched in a red wine jus, that remained close to the Pinotage that gave it birth. Her osso buco was rosemary rich. It was all food for the soul.
As I reflected on the weekend, it struck me that when friends come together, they give each other life.
In the forward-moving frenzy of life, we can forget.
Friends remember you. They connect you to decades past. They return you to your life and return your life to you. They remind you of you in your best moments (and sometimes worst). They help you remember how you became.
The best ones remind you of who you dream to be because that is who they see.
And so, whilst Gospodinov may be right, there is always the possibility for repair and renewal.
Let’s turn our attention to today…
We make our worlds in language. How others see us, how they respond to us, and how we see ourselves are all shaped by language. Opportunities open and close, all because of what we say, read, write, and hear.
Though we know that words make worlds, we rarely stop to think about the magic we might make if we used them more intentionally.
Today, we are changing that.
Jonah Berger’s Magic Words is an amazing guide to using language more effectively.
I have changed our format to bring you ten tactics from just the first quarter of Berger’s book.
Each one will help you bring more magic to your world. I am sure you will find them to be useful. I have.
- To supercharge a skill, turn your actions into your identity, use nouns not verbs.
Identities are more fixed, more consistent and because of that using them prompts us to act in ways that express that identity.
If I call myself a writer, I commit myself to learning to write better. If I say that I write a newsletter, it is a little fuzzier.
Nouns help you to commit. Commitment inspires you to act. Actions help you learn.
- To be disciplined use ‘don’t.
Changing your can’ts to don’ts, shifts the your decision-making from an external control to being part of who you are.
Berger says that using can’t externalizes the control.
‘I can’t have another coffee’ says that there is a force out there preventing, one that – as it turns out – we all easily ignore. New Year’s Resolutions anyone?
In contrast, saying “I don’t”, internalizes it. It makes it part of you. You feel in control. You’ve decided that you don’t ever drink three cups of coffee. You’re a two-cup-a-day person.
- To appear considerate use ‘can’t’.
There are times when can’t is useful.
Use ‘can’t’ when you need to be diplomatic.
Because it externalizes responsibility, it is useful for turning down unwanted requests.
Saying you can’t do something because XYZ means “it’s not you saying no because you didn’t want to be helpful, it’s another, external thing getting in the way. You want to help, but the other thing prevents you”.
- ‘Could’ gives you creativity.
Berger says “Stuck on a tough problem? Want to be more creative or encourage creativity in others? Foster a could mindset. Rather than thinking about what should be done, ask what could be done instead. Doing so encourages us and others to take agency, consider new paths, and turn roadblocks into opportunities”.
(You can read more here).
- Use ‘You’ (the third person) to gain perspective.
Ordinarily, when we speak to ourselves, we say things like “Why can’t I?”
Shifting your language to the third person, “Come on Karl, what could you do to make this letter better? You’re a writer” (Did you see what I just did? 😉), gives you an outsider’s perspective on the challenge you’re facing.
Berger comments that using this language helps people to “see things more objectively, making the situation less anxiety-inducing”. In one stress-inducing experiment using you meant that “they felt fewer negative emotions and appraised the situation in more positive terms. More as a challenge that they could cope with, or rise up to meet, rather than a threat that they felt unprepared for or overwhelmed by”.
- Avoid unintentional accusatory ‘you’s’
Berger notes that whilst using you in self-talk helps us gain perspective, we shouldn’t use it everywhere.
If, for example, you encounter a ‘you’ when you phone a call center – ‘what have you done to fix this issue?’ – we immediately feel defensive.
He says “The intent may be benign, just a request for information, but they can easily be interpreted negatively. ‘Who said it was my responsibility’, or ‘why wouldn’t I have taken care of it?’”
He advises that a subtle shift in phrasing to focus on the action helps reduce tension – ‘what actions have been take to fix this?’
So, in high-stress situations, focus on the action. It helps to avoid seeming like you’re placing blame.
- Don’t hedge. Be definitive.
There are four ways to make communication seem more confident – don’t use hedges, don’t hesitate, turn pasts into presents, and know when to express doubt.
Hedges are phrases like ‘I think’ and words like ‘might’ or ‘possibly’.
There are times when they’re appropriate. They signal uncertainty and when you’re uncertain, say so.
The problem is that hedges pop up all over our language and using them inadvertently makes us seem less confident, and therefore undercuts the impact of our ideas.
- Don’t hesitate. Prepare and Pause.
Hesitations are even more harmful than hedges.
Hesitations are the ums, uhs and errs of the linguistic universe. They sneak into all our speech. They’re confidence killers. Use them and lose your impact.
Prepare for those big meetings. Know what you want to say. You’re less likely to stumble around looking for the words.
And, pause.
If you slow down, you give yourself more time to find your words – no need for an um – and pausing causes others to perceive you more positively.
- To be certain, be in the present
Berger and his team reviewed a quarter of a million Amazon book reviews to see which ones were deemed more useful.
They discovered that those that used the present tense – they said Magic Words ‘is’ a good read rather than ‘was’ a good read – were consistently rated more useful. They analysed other review databases. The result was the same.
Berger concludes, “present tense suggests that speakers don’t just have an opinion, they are relatively certain about it.”
- Know when to express doubt
Whilst ditching hedges, eradicating ums, and playing in the present all help you to be perceived as confident, there are times when that isn’t helpful. Sometimes seeming confident undermines your impact.
When the issues are complex, when there are multiple viewpoints, when information is limited, being definitive and confident undermines your credibility.
In those instances, it is far better to signal uncertainty. Expressing doubt about your position is more likely to shift people towards you. Absolute certainty drives them away.
Berger explains, “Expressing doubt about one’s own view acknowledges that conflicting beliefs are valid, making the other side feel validated and more willing to listen. It recognizes that issues are complicated or nuanced, which increases receptiveness” and so “when issues are contentious or people are dug in, expressing a little doubt can actually be more persuasive”.
By now, you’ll have realized that there isn’t one perfect answer for how to use language. Sometimes an ‘um’ is damaging, and sometimes it’s powerful. This is true for almost every business or personal mastery strategy or tactic; it is context-dependent. We need to know where we are and adapt.
If you want to improve your communication game, these letters may help you.
All the best
Karl
PS: If you visit Mardouw, make sure to book lunch at Greenlands Farm. They describe themselves as ‘perfect for poets, philosophers and other interesting people’, which is all of you. Their Durban Lamb Curry is worth the drive from Cape Town and click here to see their ice creams (you will be impressed).