Loneliness
We will spend most of our adult lives working. Yet, study after study tells us that most of us are just turning up for work. The work that we do to generate our livelihoods does not fully engage us. That is a profound sadness, and so a primary concern of mine is how one changes that, at both an individual and a systemic level.
It is in this context that research by organizational psychologist and lecturer at Boston University’s Questrom School of Business, Constance Hadley, and associate professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD, Mark Mortensen, on loneliness caught my attention.
Today is about loneliness.
To be human is to experience loneliness. Perhaps it’s because our first nine months are spent immersed in another. Perhaps the moment when our cord is cut plants the seeds of loneliness that flower from time to time. Perhaps it goes back further than that. Perhaps there is a moment before our conception where we separate from another, unknown place of origin in order for our energy to become human, and it is that moment of separating from the eternal and the universal that plants that seed of loneliness. Whatever its birthplace, part of being human is experiencing loneliness. For the lucky amongst us, it is the fleeting shadow of a dissolving cloud that causes us to miss a step. For others, it is something more.
/ Strategy
Hadley and Mortensen reflect that loneliness is associated with both health problems and poor work performance, in particular reduced creativity and poor decision making,
They conducted their research with nearly 500 executives, 223 of whom they spoke to before remote working became so central to our lives, and published the results in Are Your Team Members Lonely?
Even amongst those that they spoke to before remote working became our lives, 76% reported that they had difficulty making connections with their work teammates, and 58% agreed with the statement “My social relationships are superficial at work.”
Of course, the pandemic has intensified that, but Hadley and Mortensen note that remote work is not the sole, or even the largest, driver of workplace loneliness. In other words, leaving the Zoom-world is not going to fix it. It will require intentional action.
Examining how companies operate, they comment that modern teamwork “tend(s) to foster shallow, narrow, and ephemeral relationships rather than true human connections”, with result that loneliness is “degrading the psychological well-being of employees and the social fabric of the workplace”.
In a follow-up Harvard Business Review article, Hadley suggests the following tactics “First, realize that loneliness isn’t obvious. Second, understand the importance of psychological safety. Third, bring in practices that foster empathy. Fourth, rethink team and work structure to incorporate more interdependence among colleagues. Finally, reinforce relationship risk-taking.”
Put differently, and self-evidently, to overcome loneliness in the workplace be intentional about building deep, human connections. The social capital that results creates invaluable information and knowledge flow, in turn spurring creativity and innovation, and as loneliness drops, you get better engagement.
For those of you leading teams or businesses, this HBR article based on Microsoft’s Work Trend Index is invaluable.
It ends like this; “a culture of kindness, fun, and cooperative collaboration is just as important to the bottom line as your daily to-do list. Organizations should understand that being nice to each other, chatting, and goofing around together is part of the work that we do. The spontaneous, informal interactions at risk in hybrid and remote work are not distractions or unproductive. They foster the employee connections that feed productivity and innovation — these interactions are the soil in which ideas grow”. That sounds like a place to spend 40 hours a week.
And I loved these words that business strategist and author, Jim Collins contributed to a plaque for Hargadon Hall (named for Fred Hargadon, Princeton’s Dean of Admission from 1988 to 2003), “The most treasured gifts in the world are kind words spontaneously tendered.”
This is something that we can all do to make work and the world a little less lonely. Pause and acknowledge something a colleague has done, acknowledge what they bring to your world, and you’ll make their world a happier place.
/ Self
Loneliness is, influenced by social relationships and it is influenced by our relationship with ourselves. If we aren’t at home in ourselves, with ourselves, if we are unable to relate to, connect with who we are, we can feel profoundly lonely.
The loneliness is accentuated by the hall of mirrors that is our life today, where much of what we see is the glossy, filtered, edited version.
We judge ourselves against standards that themselves are fake, manipulated, and yet unnervingly omnipresent. We end up feeling like we should be further along, have achieved more, be doing more. We don’t live the life we are living. We disconnect from who we are and yearn to be this mythical, perfect, future self.
This is, of course, not to suggest that we give up on the ambition to improve, to grow, to learn but rather to be mindful that life is an ever-unfolding process, that perfectionism can corrode and weaken our sense of self, the very basis of the agency we need to improve our worlds.
In this great piece for The Economist, The Perfectionism Trap, psychoanalyst and professor of modern literary theory, Josh Cohen reviews our relationship with perfection and how to manage it. He observes that “There are no easy answers. Something about being human makes it difficult to feel that we have done, or are, enough. We are unwilling to extinguish the hope that, one day, we will be recognised as exceptional: the perfect being that our parents once placed on a pedestal.”
He says that “We must continually renounce the fantasy of an ideal self and grieve its impossibility”.
And then we can connect more easily to who we are right now, and from that place of peace, connect with others without the anxiety of who we think we ought to be.
(Thank you to Ridwaan Rasool who shared Cohen’s writing with me.)
/ Soul
Robert Jones’ The Prophets is the story of people enslaved on a Deep South Plantation; it is a story of the profound loneliness that results when one is wrenched from one’s home and family; when one’s history is washed away and denied; when one’s name is replaced by another’s. It is a testament to the determination of people to connect, to find love, to find meaning and fight for freedom.
One of the central characters, Isaiah, observes, “Isaiah wasn’t the name given to him by those he truly belonged to. Thus he walked about wearing an insult like castoffs. He answered to disrespect every time he was called, whether the caller adored him or not.”
Earlier in his story, he reflects “Feigning ignorance hurt as much as the lash. It was the pretending that all he was good at was toil, and not the chains, that threatened to break him.”
Creating a connected world means knowing that our names matter, that the labels we attach to ourselves and to others matter. Pay attention to what name you give yourself.
Creating a more humane world means creating the space where no one needs to pretend. It is the denial and blocking of one’s potential that breaks us, the tears at the social fabric. Conversely, a world and work that unlocks people, that gives them the space to discover their strengths and use them, that is a world of creation.
Jones ends his book with something I have never seen before. He has nine pages of acknowledgements, the names of hundreds of people who have shaped his journey. He both claims and acknowledges the connection.
He says of Jandel Benjamin, “Auntie, I write because you were the first in our family to write. I saw your poems and it made me know that writing didn’t have to be an intangible dream. It didn’t have to be a hobby. It could be real. Thank you for that gift.”
I hope that this week makes your dream a little more tangible.
Take the time to reach out to your Jandel Benjamin and thank them.
Remember Jim Collins, “The most treasured gifts in the world are kind words spontaneously tendered.”
Karl
PS: If you’d like to start working with me, I will have a few spaces available from early November. If this is the first time you’re reading strategy, soul, & self, you can subscribe here.
PPS: Last week I told you that sculptor, designer, and artist Atang Tshikare was invited by Dior Maison to reimagine one of Dior’s defining emblems. I linked to the wrong page. My apologies for the confusion, here is the correct link.
(This letter was first sent on 19 September 2021).