#125: The Magic Of Gratitude
I loved artist Simphiwe Ndzube’s posts honouring the great South African sculptors Noria Mabasa and Mmakgabo Helen Sebidi (You can read more about Sebidi here). It is wonderful to see someone who is experiencing contemporary success express gratitude for those who have influenced his way of seeing.
Ndzube’s posts took me to Karlien van Rooyen‘s work. Van Rooyen is the perfect bridge into today’s letter as she is one of those remarkable people who combine art and science, being both a sculptor and a neuroscience student.
Today’s letter is about the magic of gratitude and draws on this podcast by Andrew Huberman, professor of Neurobiology at Stanford University School of Medicine (Thank you to Gilda De Araujo who introduced me to his work some years ago).
Huberman starts the podcast by saying that “an effective gratitude practice has an outsize impact on many aspects of mental and physical health”.
He explains that gratitude adds happiness, joy, and more meaning to life. It helps build resilience to trauma, both lessening the long-term effects of earlier trauma and helping you manage new traumatic events. It also helps strengthen social relationships, not just for the person giving or receiving the gratitude, but for those who witness it and for how everyone then acts in their other relationships. The effects of gratitude are contagious.
/self
Today, we start with self. But, first a caveat. Huberman does an incredible job of explaining the detailed underlying neurology. I am not going to replicate that here, but it is useful to hold the image of us having two neurological circuits. The one is ‘prosocial’ – when that is triggered, we draw closer to the moment, we go into the detail, and we’re open to exploration. The other is defensive and fear-based. When that is activated, we freeze or withdraw. They have a ‘see-saw’ relationship with each other, in other words, the stronger our prosocial network the less likely we are to freeze, withdraw, or repel.
Huberman notes that in all likelihood our defensive system is stronger, meaning that we have to intentionally nurture the prosocial circuit. Gratitude practices are a potent way to do that.
And, the most powerful form of gratitude? Receiving it. Receiving someone’s genuine gratitude has the biggest effect. When you pause, that makes intuitive sense. Think back to when someone has been truly grateful to you, how did you feel?
Of course, that creates an immediate practical problem. Powerful practices require consistency. And waiting for someone to express gratitude might be a little erratic.
So, what do we do?
Surprisingly, Huberman didn’t explore the one idea that I thought was immediately obvious – do things that people will be grateful for. I suppose that there is still the unknown variable of whether they’ll express gratitude, but still… Anyway, I’ll return to that under strategy.
He tells us that there is a substantial body of research that says if we watch or listen to a story in which someone encountered real difficulty, and they were helped by someone else, help for which they were grateful, our own gratitude circuits get triggered. Experiencing someone else’s gratitude helps us feel more gratitude, making us feel better and more effective and present in all our relationships. Gratitude is contagious.
Huberman advises, find a story of someone who inspires you. Take notes on (1) what they were struggling with (2) what help they received and (3) what you felt listening to the story. Then, regularly return to your notes. Returning to your notes will trigger the memory of the story, remembering the story triggers your prosocial networks, and triggering your prosocial networks adds more joy and meaning to your life. He says that spending just one minute a day three times a week has a discernible impact. What a gift his insights have given us!
Huberman also provides a valuable caution. It is useless to try to express gratitude for something that we are not happy about. This resonates with Pauline Boss’s work on living with loss, who says that if something is tragic or painful, we should name it as such. It is what it is. Don’t try to make it something else. And, then find something to do that adds joy.
Astonishingly, others can intuit whether something is done wholeheartedly or not. And, if they sense that it wasn’t, it lessens its positive impact. So, don’t fake gratitude to yourself or to others.
/strategy
What does this mean in an organizational context?
Well, first express gratitude to your colleagues. You now know that it has a multitude of positive impacts. Just do it. Make sure that it is genuine. If you’re faking, they’ll know it. And, guess what? You don’t need to wait for any corporate policy change. You can just start doing it. Remember, gratitude is contagious.
Creating a culture of genuine gratitude in your team or your organisation, creates an environment in which people are fully engaged and open to exploration, the absolute foundation of powerful strategy. Critically, it insulates you against trauma. Unexpected shocks, big and small, will hit your business. If you’ve built a culture of gratitude, you’ll have the capacity to creatively look for solutions. Without it you’ll get the defaults of the defensive network – fight, flight, or freeze.
Second, tell the stories of challenges that your organization has overcome. Personalise them. Who were the people involved? Who helped them to meet the challenge? How did it happen? What were the results? How did they feel? Remember, telling stories is the best way to convey someone else’s experience, and conveying these stories is the second-best transmitter of gratitude’s effects.
Although Huberman didn’t explicitly say this, I am sure that it will work. Do things that people will be grateful for.
I love it. The best gratitude practice turns out to be knowing that someone else is grateful to you for something that you’ve done for them.
/soul
Tuesday was Women’s Day in South Africa. You can read more about what the day commemorates here. We went to see The Unlikely Secret Agent. It is based on Ronnie Kasrils’ award-winning book of the same name.
The play, set in 1963, tells the story of anti-apartheid activist Eleanor Logan. Hundreds of democrats had been imprisoned. Many were killed. Torture was the order of the day.
In later years Eleanor and Ronnie married, but then they were lovers actively fighting to bring democracy to South Africa. Eleanor was arrested by the security police and endured horrific torture.
In an astonishing display of bravery and creativity, she faked a breakdown which resulted in her being temporarily moved to a psychiatric hospital. Whilst there she befriended a member of staff who left a door unlocked for her. Eleanor disguised herself as a nurse and escaped. She remained an active member of the fight for South Africa’s freedom for the next 30 years.
The cast’s performance is incredible. If you’re based in South Africa watch it. If you’re based elsewhere in the world, read the book. You’ll be grateful for Eleanor’s courage. You’ll be grateful to know that others helped her. You’ll be grateful to know that she walked the earth, determined to make the world a better place for all of us. You’ll be grateful that Ronnie told her story. You’ll be grateful to the actors that brought their story to life.
Take a moment. Who are you grateful to? Tell them.
I am grateful to you for reading and sharing this letter. When I started writing it, it went to a dinner-table complement of friends. Today, it goes to a village. Each week, some of you share it with your friends and our community slowly grows. It gives me enormous joy each time a new visitor makes contact. Thank you to all of you for reading, sharing and writing to me. It makes my life richer and more joyful.
If this is the first time you’ve read this letter, you can subscribe here.
Best wishes
Karl
PS: I am able to take a few new clients from October, so if you’d like to work with me drop me a mail at coaching@karlgostner.com. You can learn more about what you can expect from working with me here.